The secret to my failure . .

The secret to my failure is – well, no one wants to know that do they? People want to know about success! Success deserves an exclamation mark(!) But failure, well, its just what it is – but seriously, while I’m here, listening to Fleetwood Mac “Tusk” album, its so good, so meditational, and thats the secret, don’t meditate! If you have time to listen to Fleetwood Mac, (Tusk album in particular), you’re going nowhere baby! Destination zero! 

I haven’t played this in a few years, I don’t have time, but I always love it when I do – it slows time down to a level so slow, its like meditation – you can see if you wave your hand in front of your face, how time has slowed. This isn’t about real life, but if it were, life would be so grand, so blooming bleeding wonderful, well, you’d be a success – we all would be! 🙂

I’m not the guy I was when I used to play this album, back then, I’d be high as a kite, smoking my weed, but I don’t do that no more, and tho I miss it, I can’t get on with wasting time like I used to. 

Its not time wasting, to relax listening to music, its good for you, but I can’t do it anymore, cos I have other things to do, like writing this, while I play these songs. 25 or 30 years ago, I’d snuggle into the sofa, in a warm room playing this album, now I dash off a blog about what I’m doing, while I do it – isn’t that contrary? 

Ok, I’m going to relax . . . . 

Yawn! Enough of that! Gonna skip a few tracks, I want to get on with doing my own music, thats the thing, when you make your own music, you can’t listen to someone else’s at the same time. Man, I need some ganja, but I know what I’m like now, I’d just want to go for a run, Fleetwood Mac don’t smack their bitches up right!

Fleetwood Mac’s not that funny . . 

That’s Enough For Me!

I know I’m not Wrong

I walk a thin line

Ooh! This is good when the marching band comes in! 😀 😀 

“It’s A Sin”

I was watching that “It’s A Sin” on tv last night and it got me thinking about my experience of that time. Back then you couldn’t just wave your erection in the car window like you can now – seriously, one still can’t wave ones erection, you couldn’t then, and you can’t now – never could! Believe me, I’ve tried!

That is the nature of homosexuality, its not really something you take up lightly, or maybe you do? What do I know? 

Last week, I was compiling the jobs I was at between about 1980, and around 92’ – I had over 22 jobs!  I wasn’t in some line of work where you just move around a lot, I would just get a job, get fed up with it, and go and get another job somewhere else – I was certainly a bit of a miss-fit. If I felt the job was dead end and going nowhere, I’d leave – I tried to settle, but never could – they’d call me the wanderer! 🙂

Hmm, thats not very gay is it? Its a fantasy, I didn’t wander around with my two fists of iron and get loads of women, I would have liked to, but as I say, that’s mere fantasy.

I probably got loads of stories about all these workplaces, memories of people and places and so on, but ultimately, it was a waste of time! 

The last of the 22 jobs fell through, and I knew I wasn’t very happy living the way I did, so I took a year or 2 out to get stoned, then went to college to do art. It was great, because I was about 28 or 30, and at a dead impasse, and this was like a second chance – I hated school when I was younger, but now I wanted it – the teaching was good, and interesting, and I was surrounded by young girls, pretty ones, the best of the bunch tend to like art, so there I was, sat down by the river, surrounded by these girls, you can never have too many girls, no one cared if you were gay or straight, it was a good time IMO.

After that, I went and did a degree, and did well on that too, and got teaching quals, I thought maybe I’d get a better job, but also, at the same time I’d been doing some cleaning work for the council to help pay for my education. In the end, I just carried on with the council job, and I have been there for 20 years or so now – the job is rubbish, but I’m not really interested in teaching or getting more money, I have enough to pay for paints and stuff, and I don’t really care about selling art or being successful at that either. I was talking to someone about it the other day, and she said its because I don’t have kids. She’s probably right, if you don’t have to have them, why would you? 

Getting back to the gay thing, I don’t fancy blokes as a rule, I’d sooner fuck a woman than a guy any day, and yet this never seems to “cut it” with women. I don’t think I shall ever understand them. I actually feel that I understand them very well, but I don’t know them in the way that I ought in order to be a classical straight man – do classical straight men know anything? Anything at all? They seem a bit Neanderthal to me, I like it, I think its great, to react like a reflex – must be amazing! I’m too damn philosophical, thats my problem. 😦 

That feeling when . .

That feeling when . . 

You edited pictures, and could decide which you liked better?

This first one was at Brodsworth Hall last week, bit disappointed the focus isn’t much good, probably to many people coming up behind me.

This are straight out the camera

These are from today, I got my version, and the edited one – which do you prefer? You can probably guess the first is unedited. –

This one is ok – I’m happy with the edit!

My computer had been crashing madly all week, so I spent most of Saturday researching what new one to buy, then Saturday evening, the crashing mysteriously stopped & normal service has been resumed! Weird – its still a poorly computer, but I’m sort of prepared to not buy a new one after all 🙂

Weird Dream!

I had this dream the other night, I tend to forget them after a day or two, so I’m gonna jot this down now, before its gone forever.

So, I was near where my old school was when I was growing up, in the village, there’s an old dry stone wall there round the field where we used to have sports day and all that, and in the dream, there were some kids sort of in a row, but they weren’t wearing a uniform I recognised, they wore green blazers, with a smart emblem, pleated skirt for the girls etc. So I asked them what school they go to? Well they told me there was another school in the village, I never knew that, so I asked where it was? They said it was up behind the garage, so I was like what, the Texaco one? (It was the only one that I knew that had space behind it, and they said yeas, thats right. 

So anyhow, I thought I shall check that out, cos I never knew about it, and I thought I knew everything that goes on around here, (or there, since I don’t live there anymore – tho the places very often feature in my dreams) So anyhow, I go looking for this school, and I find this old building, with a sort of gothic porch, like an old church or something, and there’s a bench there, so I lay down and go to sleep. In the early morning I’m woken by this kid, he’s on the phone there saying “yeas, she’s been dead in her house all night, we’ll come and get her” Next thing I know, there’s a bunch of kids brushing past me struggling a bit with this coffin – and I’m thinking, what the hell kind of school is this?? 

Well, I woke up after that, someone in the dream (but not actually in that dream, in the real world part of the dream) (Maybe I’m having more than one dream at the same time? The mind boggles!!) was giggling when I mentioned the Texaco garage, they said “Did he say the Texaco garage?” I don’t know whats funny about that, but maybe its someone else’s secret? 😀 😀

I thought this was Tom Petty? Took me ages to ID this song! Confused!!

Requiem for a Standstill Dream While Running!

I played some  of the U2 album “The Joshua Tree” tonight, its a seminal album, their best I would say, anyhow, it takes me back to that time when it came out, (about 1987) so its quite a while ago, over 30 years! Well, I remember playing it on my headphones when I was walking up mountains, or sitting in my chair at home – its quite spiritual music, it makes you drift in and out of yourself,  perhaps is true to say spirituality is introverted? You get weird lyrics like:

You set my desires

I trip through your wires

Or

I see seven towers

But I only see one way out

Or 

Sleep comes like a drug

In God’s country

What’s it all about? Well I don’t know, I didn’t write it did I? I didn’t want to get drawn into it and end up buying the album, but in the end, I did get a copy 2nd hand. U2 were huge at that time, so big, you’d see singer Bono on tv, hobnobbing with world leaders and influential persons of great import. At their live shows, at that time, they always closed the show with their song “40” and get the crowd to sing the refrain “How long to sing this song” – everyone would leave the venue in floods of tears going “oh man, I got to do something about my life!” It was all very moving, I don’t think any other band was doing that sort of thing on that scale before or after. 

Check this out – he’s not very adept on the piano, there’s only 2 notes – but it sounds better for it.

Anyway, its that sort of thing.

So I looked up some references about what other music was around at the time, you got your Guns & Roses, Prince, George Michael, INXS, Sinead O’Connor, Def Leopard, there was loads more, but times change, and I thought about the movie “Requiem For a Dream”

Oh lets have another song from that U2 album, a more fun one!

But getting back to the future, Requiem for a Dream came out in 2000, tho I probably didn’t see it till a few years later when it came up on telly – its not exactly a barrel of laughs this film, but it is a masterpiece of cinema – and perhaps it shows how the culture was changing? Maybe, maybe not, I don’t watch it often, but I do enjoy a bit of introspection, a bit of misery goes a long way you know!

The music for the film was done by Clint Mansell, formerly in Brit pop group “Pop Will Eat Itself” Yeah! For real! I never would have guessed, I just heard it somewhere, and its true!! 

Here’s some guy talking about the film – if you’re going to watch it, this direction might make it even better! (Or not, because I for one, forgot everything I learned from watching it already) Thing is, he says its good, and he’s an expert – I certainly enjoyed the film last time I saw it!

BTW – if you thought that wasn’t bad enough (LOL) This retro thinking was probably inspired by a great documentary series I’m currently watching – this episode was talking about the influence of valium in the 70s, its a great series – right up my street! 🙂

Being and Nothingness!

There was a milestone today in my life, I had this problem with my rear mudguard, (fender) on the motorbike, it just rattles about a bit, its the fixings and fittings are worn out, so I found out I could buy this part for only about £30, so I got it, and it arrived the next day, today, so I decided to fit it right away, since I had the whole week off, it seemed like a good idea, but then when I got it off, I couldn’t remove the indicators without wrecking them, so in the end, I decided to give up on it for now – its too cold to work outdoors, and I need the bike for work next week, so anyhow, I put it all back together, then the rear light wasn’t working, so I had to take it all apart again, and find the broken wire, fix that, then put it all back together all over again – so you see my problem? Its been difficult – now I have to drink loads of beer to drown my sorrows on this matter –  its hardly important, I’ll have another go at it when the weather warms up, or if I can source some cheap replacement indicators. The thing is, its a major life changing event for me, comparatively to anything else that happened in the last 12 months or so at least, I don’t really need this kind of bullshit in my life, its not what I dreamed of – ok?

The cats that used to come round here everyday for snacks disappeared this week – its extraordinary, perhaps I’m missing them? They been here every day for a couple of years, first the black and white one vanished about 4 months ago, no idea where too – but she wasn’t so regular in the last few months, so I expect she found a new address to visit, also, she was pretty fat anyhow, so I reckon she was doing ok – the 2 boys were both really skinny, and were here all the time, so perhaps the guy who owned them moved out? I have no idea – weird! 

I did a lot of music, its all crap, but I’m enjoying it, so I shall post some of that before long, on a motorbike video, I finished one last week, and uploaded it – it took ages – but it never appeared on youtube, I don’t know why, but my computer is a bit crippled – so it could be to do with that, not sure.

The cat is sprawled out in front of the fire, I trouble her from time to time and she’s like WTF man? Leave me alone! 

I have no real idea what the meaning is of this song, its not been troubling me really, I don’t care what its about, I wonder why he shouts out “Suffragette?” half way through?

Ah, this makes much more sense!

The Stranglers used to perform at weddings before they got famous for punk rock! Bit of pop trivia there! 😀

Gimmie dat rock n’ roll!!

I’m Not Mad – I’m Primitive!

When I try to make industrial or drone like music on my iPad or computer I keep finding myself thinking of the bass line in “I’m not mad” by Alien Sex Fiend, or the lead guitar sound in “Primitive” by Killing Joke! Its so strange, cos these 2 tunes keep surfacing in my mind, its been going on for months, even a few years – they’re both very good, but why these 2 songs? They’re embedded in my brain – not that I base my life on them or anything like that, its the tuneage – just really really good! I like other stuff of this sort too, but its these 2 songs. That keep disrupting my flow, I’ll think hmm, whats a good tune? And its one or other of these 2 – almost as if they were the only 2 of that sort – I like a lot of what Hawkwind did, but its not them that I go to for a good melody – its

“I’m Not Mad”

Or its

“Primitive”

A bit of Darkness

Content Warning – Awful !

People often ask me “Ogden, why are you so evil” I usually just change the subject, or go on and on about it till they get tired – its like a scratched record, you don’t get to the end of a story like that.

Well that was going to be my opener for a longer post, but I forgot where it was going, so here’s some other thoughts – I used to share a house with this guy who had a plaque over his bedroom door which read “The Penis is Mightier than the Sword” he’d got a waterbed in there, and a beautiful girl friend – I liked living down there in Maidenhead, very nice place, and some fun times. Anyhoo, one time I was out for a ride on my bike, and got a bit lost somewhere near the M25, so I’m pottering along and wondering where I am, its misty, a little foggy, and I must have been riding through a huge war cemetery, cos the road was narrowed with no signs or markings, and on either side, there were just loads and loads fo crosses – woo, spooky or what?

This was the model bike I had back then – it used to chug along like an old steam engine!

Well additionally, as far as stuff relating to the war, it was holocaust Memorial Day last week, and I ended up watching something about it on TV, it was called “The Holocaust in Colour” old footage, really horrific stuff. I don’t often think about it these days, it was a long time ago, and so awful, but they do say we shouldn’t forget –  (how could you) There was this picture of these 2 boys which struck me how unhappy they look, and how could that have happened, or been allowed to happen? 

Just look at those faces!

Then I was thinking, what about today, and how we send all these asylum seekers back, and make them go and wait in camps, they can’t be very happy places can they? Why do humans behave like that? Its disgusting and despicable, there’s no excuse, we should do away with borders and passports and all that stinking shitty behaviour, its a repulsive human trait. I honestly think, if someone isn’t behaving in an acceptable way, sure, throw them in jail, or kill them or whatever, or use punishments and discipline within reason, but don’t round people up and treat them like crap just because they aren’t “one of us” Whatever the fuck thats meant to mean in the first fucking place! I mean really! Get real!! ❤

Procrastination:

If you’re waiting for the right moment to do something, you’ll be waiting a long time, cos there is no right moment for anything! Similarly, if you’re waiting to meet that special someone – that one person out there, somewhere, who understands you – well, unless you’re ready to be fooled, you’re wasting your time. Whats the chances that you’re actually just waiting to meet yourself? I mean, if you’re going to meet someone and you’re prepared to accept that they don’t understand you hardly in any way whatsoever, then you’re going to find that you have a road ahead of you learning about that other person and about how you yourself can or can’t change to meet them in some reasonable acceptable compromise. If you are expecting to one day meet someone who is so very understanding of you, that they are the perfect match, and so like you, its hard to tell where one ends and the other begins, well what sort of a relationship would the be? Perfect? Or just bloody downright boring and pathetically self deceiving, in reality, that other person is just pretending to be what you want, and you, like some big stupid idiot, have fallen for it – what a Berk! And that other person is a Berk too!

Well anyhow, I like to just get on with things in my life, so thats why I have been so successful, so I thought I’d just share that with you – I was just doing something and thinking about how in a perfect world, I’d get this right, or that, and its never really exactly what I hoped for, and how frustrating it is to be less than perfect, so the lesson is, who gives a fuck? I mean, if things aren’t perfect, well thats not your problem is it? Thats their problem! Your problem is not theirs, therefore, don’t worry about it!

Ok, as you were, go back to being an idiot, just pretend I never said anything, its for the best after all, things will get better if you keep trying, or they might do if you don’t, who knows? 😀 😀 ❤ 

A couple of stories!

I wrote these 2 pieces on my phone at work during down time, one is a true story, the other a partial fantasy, I wonder if you can guess which is which!

Content Warning – Sex + Projectile vomiting

In 1981, the gov pulled the plug on the funding for my apprenticeship and I ended up on the dole along with a load of others –  the only job I could find was working at a scrap yard – it was the worst job I ever had in my entire life, and the pay was crap too! £1. An hour!  I found myself literally, metaphorically, and any other way you like, “on the scrap heap!”

We used to sort all this smashed up metal from cars that were torn apart by this huge machine, there was Colin, who’d been in the army, and Chris who’d been in the navy, there was little Lenny, a black kid who was only 16, his mum used to come and pick him up after work. Then there was Ivor, a psychopathic crane driver, and the foreman, who we called Selwyn Froggit, cos he looked like the TV character of that name.  Selwyn was a big tough looking guy, he wore a donkey jacket tied at the middle with string – one time he overheard one of the guys refer to him as Selwyn, he just said “If I ever hear you say that again, I’ll splatter your snot-box” I suppose you could say he was good at conflict resolution, good leadership skills – follow me, or else! 

The lads there used to call me Tojo, after the Japanese emperor – yeah, I never heard of him either, I was pretty mad about my being stuck in that job, but I got to know a few people better and I suppose it was ok.

 At Xmas, the lads were planning to go for a drink after work on the last day, so I got the bus to work, cos I knew I was going to be having a few, I think it was meant to be a bit of a party in the pub, I don’t know if it was organised or just off the cuff, but everyone was talking about it all week looking forward to it.

So we got to this pub, it was a big old cottage style of pub, old oak beams, that sort of place, really cosy, especially at Xmas, really busy & bustling with merry makers, quite good really. It was probably snowing too, it was a cold winter that year, I do remember there being a lot of snow around at that time, so it was warm and cosy in the pub & I was glad I’d turned out for it.

I was only 17, so technically not old enough to drink, (it’s 18 here in the UK for booze) but most pubs were fairly relaxed, no one ever asked for ID back then, it was “yeas, you can have a drink”, or it’s “no, get out!” I don’t remember any trouble at the bar, I expect the older guys got the drinks & brought them back to the table to save problems, of course I’d have been happy with that, it wasn’t every day I could have a few beers in a pub without having to worry about rules & regulations.

So anyway, there we were at our table, in this packed out pub, probably 4 or 5 of us at the table & about 7+ pints and some glasses of vodka and whisky & you name it, crisps & wot not.  Lenny always got a lot of stick, cos he was so young,  People kept trying to spike his drinks, but he wasn’t having it, I think he just drank some shandy or something. I was low on funds, so I drank Lenny’s since he didn’t want it, and pretty soon I was really drunk. Someone told me Lenny’s drink had at least 3 or 4 vodkas in it, guys kept dropping by our table with another double vodka for Lenny, it all ended up in this spare pint that no one but a complete fool would drink.  So I thought well that’s a bargain from where I’m sitting!  After a while I realised I was really badly seriously drunk, I had the notion I might projectile vomit over everyone at any moment, so it was about time I was leaving, so I had a couple more swigs for the road and told the guys I was going outside for some fresh air and that I may be some time.

I had to walk from the pub at Flitwick to the next village of Ampthill to catch the bus home, it was a couple of miles, so I staggered along the path there, you know when you look out the car window and you see some guy staggering about blind drunk and you go, ha, ha, look at that guy! Well, that guy was me! It was me!!

You have to stay really focussed when your in that situation, staying upright is the prime objective, moving in the right direction, not getting lost or run over are also priorities, but finally, I emerged from my bleary state actually at the bus stop. I was actually very surprised and pleased with myself to have made it without falling over, being arrested, or run over or anything, this was my link back to reality. I read the bus timetable and seeing as there was a pub there I decided to go into the pub and get warm while I waited.

So anyhow, I walked in, and every head turns, as they do in locals & you’re not one of them. So I stride up to the bar and order a coke, I know my limits, or I had done some hours earlier, ya know, before? So I get this coke, and take a sip, suddenly something inside ruptures, so I casually (but quite fast) go back outside and vomit copiously, and I’m thinking, ah, that’s got it! Now, where’s that coke gone? I needed a mouthwash – so I go back to the pub door, and they locked it! So I’m thinking, that’s odd, maybe it’s closing time already? So I try the other door, and that’s locked too! I could see through the windows they were all still inside, how strange!  I guess they didn’t want some guy in the bar who was totally and utterly blotto drunk.

In the end, I just had to wait outside for the bus. When we all returned to work after Xmas there were a lot of stories about how everyone got well and truly plastered, those were good times! Good old days, pubs weren’t for family meals back then, if you went to a pub, you expect to get drunk! Well I did anyhow!

————————————

Second Story (unrelated)

As I sat on the small leather sofa outside her office, getting my papers in order for what would be a substantial meeting, I knew we had a lot of ground to cover. She was a  respected professional, I had no qualms about going to her when I was overwhelmed, she was my favourite of all those at the institute, but I couldn’t hardly care any less about this world of work, in the back of my mind our secrets revealed the futility of our endeavours in this life.

She had talked about having an experience, I was unsure what she meant by that, but I liked the sound of it, I liked the sound of her voice, and the way she carried herself, I liked her clothes, her lips, her eyes, her long legs, her hair, her arms, her breasts, her shoes, I liked her coat, I liked her everything.

Her husband came out the office and said “are you next?” An  uncontrollable smirk overcame my  face as I said yes, I almost laughed out loud, he looked like a prick to me, he dressed flash, like Don Johnson in Miami Vice – I didn’t watch shit like that, I was coming from a much darker place, they both knew it, it was written all over me, I did not belong here, no one knew what the hell I was doing in this place, everyone thought I would fail massively, people kept their distance from me, but not these two, they seemed to have some sort of faith in the arts and artists.  I wasn’t comfortable being there, I just blagged  my way through life with no real purpose, there is no purpose, did you know?

She called me to come inside, her office was the best in the whole place, top floor, quite small, it was furnished more like a spare room, with all sorts of antique furnishings. The view over the hills was stunning, I remarked you could see the weather coming in from 10 miles, she warmed to my enthusiasm and said how she loved this place, I imagined this view was perhaps worth dying for, she impressed me, everything about her told me she was the best, and yet, somehow I knew she was seeking something more, or ought to be, with a mind like hers.

We got our boxes of papers out and set about ticking boxes, filling forms and so on. I looked at her  intently, as she moved her pen down along the row of boxes, signing off at the foot of each page, I thought about kissing her where her knickers leave a mark on her inner thighs, following down over her legs, down too her feet, her ankles, slipping her shoes off, my mind drifting as the sun was going down behind her.

I reached out and put my hand on hers, and her pen stopped moving instantly.  I leaned in and brushed my lips over hers, inhaling her breath, I passed by her cheek and gently kissed her ear, moving my fingers through her hair. She was putty in my hands, as I turned her face towards mine our eyes met. She flicked her eyes down and back up to mine, as if to say, okay, we’re going to do this.

I had both her hands in mine as we rose from our seats and began to kiss deeply, she was as passionate as I had imagined, the kissing and touching of hands on arms and shoulders as she came around the desk to meet me on my side of the desk was graceful and almost balletic.  I passed my hands down over her hips as she bumped herself up onto the desk, I didn’t want to cramp her style and I stood back while I slipped out of my jeans and underwear. She shook out her hair and slipped her shoulders out of her dress, she was beautiful, in her prime I would say. 

I brushed some delicate shift she wore  from her shoulders, it fell from her easily, she was now naked from the waist up, I mumbled “your husband” as I moved in on her, and she said “don’t worry” as she began to stroke my tool which  soon grew to some enormous size.

 I approached her meekly, my respect for this woman was inestimable. She pulled me towards her, grasping across my back while she gripped my hips with her vice like  thighs, we kissed some more before her hand reached my cock, guiding me inside of her. Apparently, she wasn’t wearing knickers after all.

She put her hands behind her on the desk for support, throwing her head back and rocking gently on my shaft, it seemed this was the way in which she intended to consume me.

We met once more, a night of feasting, drinking and passion, a tiny room above a pub out in the sticks, honestly it was heavenly, she was a fast lady, from what I could tell, her husband was some kind of afterthought in her scheme, I suspect there are many others like her, I just wish on my star that I may find them out.