Waxing Gibbous

WordPress, where dreams go to die . .

There was nothing more to be done, he had crossed zero, could no longer countenance ablation. He now saw himself as others did, an empty vessel.

The ground beneath his feet, was cool and soft, it felt loose, like soft soil with small rounded stones, he couldn’t see it, as it was too far below him in the darkness of the pit in which he stood. Something cold and wet was also present, he wondered if fungi grew there,

One last look up revealed no sign of light, he wondered if he had made a big mistake as he groped around for the floor, knowing full well that should he lay down, he would never again rise, he would instead go on, to where the others had gone, those who had gone before.

Finding the earth welcoming he allowed himself to sink into it, relinquishing all as his breathing pushed the earth back and forth to his rhythm – or perhaps it was the rhythm of the earth itself? There was warmth and there was rhythm, so there must surely be life?

 

 

Every inaction has an equal and opposite inaction.

Ever get the feeling that the mind is like a thing of positives, negatives, and some place in between?

I have been thinking mathematically today, something along the lines that in my mind, there is the up or good times, where I’m in the positive numbers, then the times when I’m in the negative numbers, which is obviously awkward, and right between the 2 extremes, there must be a zero point? But its not as 2D as that, because there are complex equations to be dealt with too, like when you have to rob Peter to pay Paul, like some things don’t grow on trees – well they do, but we’re not responsible for those, you got to go to work and earn money to pay for the fruit which grows on trees, after all!

Anyhow, never mind about all that, life is complex, so you’re going around doing this and that, juggling all these aspects of reality, but then something comes along which supersedes all else and you have to go deal with that, suddenly you’re seeing everything differently, because you had to set aside normal reality I guess. Perhaps its like tunnel vision?  You go into full on positivity, in order to get that thing done, other things get dropped, so it seems like all the other things in reality don’t really matter, you may feel like if all the things which matter and are so hard to deal with don’t really matter at all, then why stray so far from zero in the first place?

As I said tho, life is complex, and you have to rove around a bit to get anything done, one is obliged to operate within the parameters one is capable and comfortable, I’m not interested in being mind blowingly high, or conversely being bored off my tits – and yet, there is a third option it seems, that of point zero, neither up nor down, a place of stillness and inaction. Its a place where one meditates about nothingness, or rather a place one crosses all the time, maybe a billion times a second for all I know, on the way to A – B – C or wherever, you won’t ordinarily notice point zero, unless you get sucked into a black hole on your travels.

I was watching this video on utube the other day that says that black holes might be vortex’s into other dimensions, perhaps we are all black holes, and we are already doing it?

Oh no!

A few weeks ago I got this new exhaust for my motorbike, (they do wear out just like car ones do) so I got this exhaust, good price on eBay, and when I went to fit it, the nut broke on the bike, its a real disaster, so I took it to this local guy and asked if he could fix it like he did last time, and he said he’d have a go, but it wasn’t likely to work out like last time, due to the position of the nut, I might have to take the head off – which is very bad news, it would cost a lot to get it done, and if I do it myself, it would save a lot of money, but I might break more bits and the ruin the whole bike.

Anyhow, he fixed it, but not very well, I could tell this fix wasn’t very good, the weld was weak and the nut broke off again a week or 2 later, so now I had to think about what to do? This was Sunday just gone, so I spent that day trying to weld it myself, but after hrs and hrs of struggling, I had to concede defeat, I was making more of a mess of it that the other guy – much more, I’m not a good welder.

Most disappointing and distressing, I love that bike! It took me to the north of Scotland last summer, I’m looking forward to going there again this year, last Sunday, I had set off for the coast, with my camera looking forward to a lovely day but instead spent it laying under the bike trying in vain to fix that broken part!

The mechanic had suggested taking the head off, and then taking it to a specialist who can extract that broken part with a “spark erosion” tool, so I spent this week going to work on the bus, then each evening tackling the long process of dismantling motorbike parts until its ready to remove the head as suggested, its very worrying, because frankly, I’d rather bake a cake than attempt this kind of thing.

During the week I went through quite a few processes regarding the current situation. At first I was just so fed up, I know its only a motorbike, and theres more to life than motorbikes, so I was thinking I could do without it, just run off and forget about it, but I do need transport, and it would be madness to do that – maybe I should pay someone to do the work? Or maybe I can actually do this myself? I wasn’t sure, I needed help in the form of a confidence boost – so I went to a forum for bikes and chatted to someone who was very helpful, he actually likes working on bikes, so he imparted a few tips and said “have fun!” Thats the kind of positivity I needed, even then, I still consulted another mechanic locally, rang another for a chat, and considered every other option imaginable.

I still haven’t got very far with the work in hand, but I feel like today (Wednesday) I’m finally able to cope with the situation – I took  more parts off the bike in the last few days than I took off any bike for years, and I think I can just about remember where most of it goes back, though its actually impossible, as its like a spaghetti junction, I should be able to figure out the parts I can’t remember, only a couple more days and I’ll have the head off if all goes well.

I had no time to do any art, I may be able to do some once the head is off, as it will be off with the spark erosion guy for a week or more, meanwhile I shall have to walk everywhere – it takes a bit of getting used to, I love the freedom of biking, its a great feeling, its just a bit sad when it seems that it has taken over your life, become too big a thing in it, not that I’m a fanatic or anything, but you realise how big and important it must be when your so gutted without it!

When I was 30, I sold my 2 bikes and decided to live without that hobby for a while, it had consumed me, taking to much of the little resources I had, I wanted to focus on something else, so I went off to college to do art for 4yrs, then eventually I got another bike, just to get to work really, but of course I’d go out weekends, but you don’t see much when your driving, not like you do when you walk. Its a different pace. Its ok, its not a bad thing to have a hobby, its fine in its place, no biggy – it just seemed a bit consumptive this week.

When I took art more seriously, I thought bikes would be 2nd place to art, and they are, art is better than motorbikes, for my soul and my mind and all that, but this week, the bike has to come first, or else this will never get done – I kind of wonder if I wasn’t a biker, perhaps I’d feel more pain in my art, I don’t tend to choose the path of suffering, someone once said “you have to suffer for your art” I do a bit, sometimes, like for instance, sometimes I think I’m just shit, and should just give up, admit that I’m in fact incredibly normal and boring, and just strive to be like the people I detest, because I’m no better than them. But that is actually quite hard to do, its much more attractive to award oneself superior innate talents and just go ahead making messes, and telling yourself its pure genius! 🙂

Oh yeah, where was I? Ego! Whats a hobby, and whats a job that needs doing, and what is art? Somethings have to be taken seriously, or else they don’t get done, all things to some extent I guess.

Anyhow, I got to try and fix this bike, it won’t fix itself – I keep checking in and reading, but I don’t have much time or energy to do much more for a bit XX