Well, thats it, thats me back from the dentist – sitting here slurping tea like a gorilla! – its freezing here, I just bunged the heating on, I’m not going to do any painting, I haven’t done any this year as yet – its always a bit strange getting back to it after xmas hols, good grief tho, its Jan 24th, and I haven’t yet picked up a brush – shocking, but for me, painting is a pursuit of the leisurely class, I’ll do it when I feel the time is right – its not something I have to do, I already earn a living, albeit meagre, I’m not the sort of painter driven by need, although I do have a little of that quality, where if you don’t accomplish something worthwhile I’ll go a bit mad – I’m barely in touch with my inner self, I don’t know what drives me, or whats good for me, but I do know that ultimately I got to strive!
Now whats my excuse? (I still don’t feel like I dealt with the subject above yet) Its been dark here, so dark! Its grey in the kitchen (where I paint) and I had toothache all last week, or else I would have been painting – (not that I paint all day, just 3 afternoons a week normally, if all goes well) Anyhow, Bought some more paint the other day, its on order for delivery, so I certainly intend to do more painting. Its been really difficult over the yrs since I graduated (1st class no less) I think it was – crikey, 1998, I just checked the date! So thats almost 20yrs ago, I didn’t want to take it too seriously, but the first 10yrs after that was just an ego trip, “Do you know who I am??” Sort of WTF man? Why do I have to live in reality? I didn’t before then, I was already in my 30’s, I’d been a recovering punk rocker 10yrs before then, lapsed into unemployable drug user turned artist, escaping oblivion through art, only to find the new ID circumspect.
By that, what do I mean? Well, ask yourself, what is art? What is it for? What has it become? What have I become?
Oh, there’s nothing wrong with being an artist, good luck to them, thats what I say, but for me, I don’t want to be what they want me to be, I want to just be – thats the way to do it! I find that one has to listen to people who know, really know, people you admire, don’t fall for the swagger! (teachers were all great BTW, thats what I mean by it all)
Its taken such a long time -anyhow, back to the dentist. It turns out I hadn’t got toothache – a cracked tooth at the back had allowed infection under the gum, not decay I’m happy to report – however, the crack is so bad, it could lead to problems in the future, I hope not, but if I’m lucky, the tooth may still be in use for some years to come – hoorah!
I had thought it might be my vaping that was causing the problem, I vape like a mo-fo, I used to be a smoker, not all that heavy, but I was without doubt horribly addicted, I never gave it up in all the years I smoked till I found vaping. My addiction is quite extraordinary, (or ordinary I guess, but extraordinary to me) – you see you first get addicted to something physically, your body says give me nicotine, give me more, and when you get it you go Ah! Before long, you come to adore your addiction, the addiction itself becomes a thing – you love it, and it loves you, or is it the other way round? You no longer know, its a lot like painting, or an abusive relationship – it becomes a crutch which holds you up, makes you feel superior, because you have your addiction, you can always go to it, and do a bit more of that – sure, it might be causing your teeth to fall out, it might be causing head wrenching pain-aches, but its yours baby! Yours, and yours alone!! Enjoy! XX
I was going to take the opportunity at this point to post some of my paintings, but I decided against it, I only really got 4 good ones, 1 of which is a bit dodgy, in fact they all are except one, to be quite honest, but as I said, its dark in the kitchen, so its hard to get a good photo, but suffice to say, they look way better now than they did a year ago. A year ago, I could convince myself they were pretty fine, till I photographed them, and then they looked awful, so its a big step from bloody hell thats a mess, to, oh, not bad! I should be able to have these and another few done before summer, I spent the last year or 18 months, or maybe it was 5yrs I forget, painting away and thinking maybe I need to try to think this way, or that way, because all that is important, and it does take a lot of time to get over yourself, being able to paint is one thing, but being able to really do something with paint is quite another – well, thats what we all aim for isn’t it? First thing to do, is write about it, set your sights high, then go for it, destroy yourself X-1000, then lower your sights, tell yourself it wasn’t you, it was all the others! Stuff like that – it really works! Believe me, you won’t even believe it till you get there! Heh,heh,heh . . .
Ow,ow,ow, my face hurts! The injections wore off, my dentist says it took double the normally powerful stuff to stop me blubbing and wailing like a baby – I just said “I’m like Frankenstein, it takes a lot to dowse me!” Seriously, I’m not embarrassed, I don’t like the pain, its not for me! I’m slow to adapt to it, way behind, thats just who I am, wait for me baby, I’ll catch up – in a decade or 2! ❤
*(I guess this song is dedicated to my dentist?)