i find that at this time of year, people want me to put aside all the things I’ve been thinking about and and be happy for xmas, but for me that is rather awkward since those things that I was thinking about are actually whats been keeping me going – I don’t go around thinking about stuff just so that I can look like I’m in a quandary – no – I really am in a quandary! I always am! I think it all began when I became an adult, its the downside I guess. How does one order ones life to the extent that they are happy here, sad there, and just pondering at other times? How should I know? You are what you are, its learned patterns isn’t it, its not easy to change them, my methodology is to take things askance. Haha, I just looked up “Askance” and it says “An attitude of suspicion or disapproval” LOL
I wonder if that really is how I am? Certainly to some extent, perhaps more so than others, not that I experienced special reasons to emerge with this debilitating trait, I mean, my upbringing was ok, quite good really, so why should I be so circumspect? Hmm, I’m using words, then looking them up to see what they mean, it says circumspect means “Wary and unwilling to take risks” Thats very true too! Perhaps I’m able to judge myself from the outside as it were? OR perhaps the ghost of my granny is typing for me?
Thing is, yes, I am wary and unwilling – I notice it in my art, one has to take risks, and I don’t know where to start with that – I can be quite bold at times, but not at others, and that actually is my art in a nutshell, the reason it’s often so crap, is because I took all the wrong risks and overlooked the ones I shouldn’t have, to be a good artist, it has to be the other way around!
Sometimes I get it right, sometimes not, I find 3d art pretty difficult – the sculpting part is easy, it comes real natural, I get a lot of reassuring satisfaction from finding my hand to eye coordination is near flawless, for my money at least, I’m happy with it, I don’t care about wether its anatomically correct, I feel that I get to where I want to be without effort. 2d drawing and painting isn’t like that, its more of a balancing act out of which emerges some kind of compromise, a good one is always better than a bad one – again its down to decisions like boldness and cowardice being dominant factors.
I don’t care about my life when I’m doing my art, as long as I don’t die before I complete my current effort I don’t care, but does my art reflect my life? In life, do I care about anything? Or is it all just nonsense, derived by the influence of others? Only ever really manageable alone in art?
[Edit] That bit above ^ if life was perfect, would there be no need for art?
Anyhow, I did this picture for my profile on instagram, its a self portrait, I wouldn’t say I’m happy with it, not really, but its kind of ok, I got to get back to painting and drawing, I love 3d stuff, but its time and effort, its so different from 2d work, far less freedom I think, I’m not well attuned to it as a medium, but its ok!